“Has anyone talked to Miki…”

TW: mention of body shaming and bullying

“How would you like to spend the next 6 months traveling and performing on the ocean?” This was the first of many cutesy ways that my new agent would begin telling me that I booked jobs. I was standing on the corner of 163rd and Amsterdam in Washington Heights on a warm April morning. I remember stopping and tearing up. I had always wanted to work on a cruise ship and I had only been in NYC auditioning for a total of 3 months. I began to tremble with excitement as I called my mom and screamed “YOU WANNA TRAVEL TO JAMAICA IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS VIA CRUISE SHIP WHILE WATCHING ME SING AND DANCE?!?!” This was it; this was the moment that I had been waiting for. I was finally hitting one of my performance goals. I wanted this so badly. The next few weeks were a blur of packing and finding a sublet for my apartment. I had been offered a summer job with a theme park that I had done several contracts with so I called them and regretfully turned down my job offer…that felt amazing. I don’t know if you have ever been blessed with so many contracts you have to start turning things down…but let me tell you, the feeling is unmatched. I was on top of the world. I spent 2 weeks at home with my parents in Kentucky and countless hours in my childhood bedroom working on my music (I had been sent the sheet music for all 5 shows I would be doing on the ship so OF COURSE I printed them out and made a huge binder so I could begin learning and show up memorized). The day finally came where I flew to Davie, FL to begin rehearsals for what I hoped to be the first of many cruise contracts.

When I arrived at the studio, I had that nervous energy buzzing throughout my entire body. I had 2 weeks to learn 5 shows and half of my cast already knew a lot of them…I had some work ahead of me. I found myself working on choreography twice as long as everyone else and putting in a lot of time in my bedroom going over the moves so that I would not fall behind in the rehearsal room. I was doing great. I was. When I tell you that this was the most challenging contract I had ever done that would still probably be an understatement. I put in the work and I was proud of myself every single day. After rehearsing in FL, it was time to move onto the ship and do the install. This is when the new cast comes onboard and slowly transitions the old cast out as we are put into the show schedule bit by bit. Honestly, doing an install on a ship is like regular theatre “hell week” (tech week) on steroids. It’s rough. But I was so excited and I was on cloud 9. This was everything I wanted at that moment in my life and I was doing it!

I remember the first time I started to feel my inner light dim a little bit. We had our first evaluations once we had finished our install. I remember sitting in the Hotel Director’s office as my choreographer and cast manager went through my stats. See, on this particular cruise ship we were ranked 1–5 against the rest of the casts in the fleet. We were given a number as to how we were doing in our performances and that would tell us what we needed to improve on. I remember receiving a 5 on my vocals… which was exciting. And then when it came to my dance, they gave me a 3…that stung a bit but it could have been worse. It could have been a 1. I was doing the work and I knew if I kept doing the work, I could raise that number so I took it and I immediately began thinking of all of the ways that I could improve. What came next started the beginning of a nightmare for me. “We also think you need to tone up a bit.”

Now. Pause.

On this ship, they weigh you weekly. In my contract, it said that I couldn’t gain or lose 10 lbs. I had to stay the weight at which I was hired. It is not foreign to me to have to keep an eye on my weight. It makes sense. The industry that I have decided to fall in love with is a shallow industry that doesn’t believe people without visible abdominal muscles have stories that are worth telling…we know this. I had never been told that my weight was a problem and I was in good shape. Another thing to know about me is that I am 5'10" and I have hips. Hips that remind me every day of my African ancestors and the wonder that is having a female body. When I auditioned for this contract, I auditioned wearing a sports bra and leggings. I did not hide my body. I was proud of my body.

Now. Play.

After this evaluation, I went to my cabin and I found myself a little teary. If I’m honest I think the first time anyone says something about your body it’s a little jarring. I spent some time alone in my cabin trying to figure out the best course of action for me, I think I even called my dad. It was like I was scrambling to figure out my next step. Now not only did I have to think about doing these 5 shows and remembering where to stand and where not to stand on this MOVING vessel (we did choreo on treadmills and there was also fire…it was stressful), I now had to focus on “toning up” whatever that means.

We got through our first 2 weeks of shows and then we were informed by our cast manager that we would need to report to her cabin every Saturday from this point on to be weighed. We were told not to worry and that the weighing was just to make sure that we maintained our weight and that no one would know about it except our ship supervisor. I went along with this because I was the only “newbie” on board so to my cast this was normal. A few weeks went by and then I heard something that has stayed in my ears ever since. I can’t seem to get it out… my cast manager came up to me and told me that the ship supervisor was concerned because “why has no one talked to Miki about her weight?”. I was frozen. I was stumped. I was told that if I gained any weight we were going to have to “have a talk.”

Friends, I truly didn’t know what my next step was. I was so confused. I had not gained any weight. I had actually lost weight because I had been really sick. I felt trapped in my body. I felt betrayed. It was terrible. I remember going over the series of events in my head over and over again. I remember looking at myself in my costumes and judging myself so ferociously. I would love to say that the comments stopped there…but they didn’t. I would begin receiving passive-aggressive insults from my cast manager on the daily. Once she told me “I don’t understand why the supervisor brought up your weight…you’re more confident in these costumes than I am.” She would see me in the gym and give me a patronizing thumbs up. She would later tell someone “they are having problems with the lift in that dance break because Miki is fat.” I was broken. I stopped hanging out with my cast, I started hanging out in the crew bar with friends I had made from other departments and I regretted any moment I had to change costumes in front of this particular cast member.

I must have done something right in my life. I must have done something to receive favor because no sooner had I been blatantly told I was “too fat to do my job” I had an offer from the National Tour of Beautiful: The Carole King Musical and I had 3 days to pack up my cabin and show up at a rehearsal studio in Toronto. This was a unionized show that offered me 3Xs of what I was making on the ship. I left without a second thought.

I would love to say that from that moment on I never thought about this dream job turned nightmare.

I would love to say that I forgot about the bullying and the normalcy that was surrounding that situation. But I can’t, because that would be a lie. Ever since this contract, I look at myself in the mirror twice before I leave the dressing room. I don’t go to dance calls without something tied around my waist. I constantly compare my body to those around me in audition settings. What makes this super sad is that I didn’t do this before. I have been professionally performing for over a decade and I have never compared my body to the people around me, it just wasn’t in me. It’s in me now, and I hate that. Every day I struggle with accepting my body and the way it fluctuates and every day I can feel myself move farther and farther away from the version of me that was almost broken.

They did not break me…but they came close.

I am sharing my story because that’s what I do. I share my stories. I share my stories because I want to help people. If you feel betrayed by your dream job know that you are not alone. Know that your body is perfect the way it is. Know that there is a bigger, better, healthier job waiting for you on the other side of the nastiness.

It will get better.

Originally published at https://citscoaching.com on February 11, 2021.