Let’s Talk About Love, Baby…
It’s always been one of my favorite topics.
I have been in love 3 times in my life.
Let's talk about them.
I have had a problematic first love:
This was the first time love really threw me for a loop. I was engaged to someone and I walked into a restaurant with my mom for lunch and fell in love with the waitress. I know, I know…it doesn’t sound real does it? But it was…I swear to you. It was real. One thing led to another and very quickly we became best friends; we tried to keep it at just that but the more we got to know each other the more we realized that we were meant to be way more than friends. Things progressed and the next thing I knew we were choosing the same college to attend and celebrating our 2 year anniversary. I woke up on the morning of my 20th birthday to the song “Marry Me” by Train playing and a ring from Walmart on my left hand. This was my second engagement and I was only 20, but I felt like it was the first real thing I had ever felt.
We broke up 4 months later.
This break up almost destroyed me. I remember feeling like I was never going to recover. I made some really bad choices. I said some really terrible things. I really struggled. One positive thing that came out of this break-up was that I came out to my mom. I was lost and I needed to talk to someone and my mom is always my someone. She is always the person that I talk to when I am upset and need guidance. I remember one night I called my mom and I was a mess. She asked me what was wrong and I revealed that my best friend of the past 3 years, my college roommate, was actually my girlfriend and that she just broke my heart.
My mom is the best. My mom saved me.
I have had the love that will never go away.
This is the man I will always have a flame for. It started with such an intense dislike for each other and turned into one of the deepest loves I have ever felt. He was dating my best friend in college and I was dating his roommate. We did not get along in the SLIGHTEST for 3 1/2 years of knowing each other and all of a sudden, after both of our respective relationships ended, we found solace in each other. We realized that we had more in common than we thought we did and we fell in love faster and deeper and more passionately than I thought was possible. We were silly and we laughed a lot. We tried to avoid deeper topics and I think that was because deep down I was afraid we weren’t going to agree on things. We went through a lot of changes together and relied on each other a lot. Then we started to grow at different speeds. We started to see the world differently and develop into the adults that we were going to be post-college. Depression happened, long-distance happened, deaths of loved ones, infidelity, all of this and we tried to keep it going. 2 weeks after our 3 year anniversary we broke up. My friends told me he was looking for rings to propose to me. This would have been my 3rd engagement. I would have said yes. I would have made a mistake.
When this ended I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure what the next step was but I knew I wasn’t interested in falling for anyone else any time soon. When I fall in love with you I fall hard. I think when I was created I was gifted with a little bit of extra good stuff so that I can give it to the people that I fall in love with. So basically what I am saying is that I am awesome…haha no but really. I have a lot of love to give, my only issue in the past has been I haven’t found someone ready to be loved by me yet.
I have had unrequited love.
When you fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Whew. This is a hard one. This is the hardest one. it’s confusing. It’s a weird territory. Every day you wake up and you hope that something changes. That they will realize they are actually falling for you as well, or that you will just snap back to your senses and these feelings will go away…and every day you wake up and it’s the same. This love came truly out of the freaking blue and it’s totally encapsulating. This person checks all of your boxes. They are what you thought your future would look like, they support you being a version of yourself that you only dreamed you could be. They are your best friend. When you thought your heart was broken and that you wouldn’t be able to feel love again all of a sudden this person came into your life and you were dumbfounded. It wasn’t a love you’d felt before. This is a love that is new. It’s comfortable. It feels right. But at the same time, it’s kinda sucky. Cause ya know, love is better when you’re both on the same page.
Love has destroyed me, but it has also left me hopeful. It has scarred me and it has given me butterflies. It comes in different stages and different forms and every time I fall in love with someone I learn something new about myself.
Right now I am learning to trust the universe. What is meant for me cannot be kept from me.
Currently, I feel like I am stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out what my life is supposed to look like and I wish I could ask to speak to a manager because there is no way that I could possibly be in control of this life of mine.
Keep your head up and love fully, my friends. It is a gift to be able to fall in love. Don’t try and make yourself not feel something your heart wants you to feel, trust the process and the journey and cry it out if you need to…no shame in that.
Originally published at https://blue-plum-gdz2.squarespace.com on March 28, 2019.
