March 2020

Outside my bedroom window is a street. A street that approximately 3 cars drive down every 15 minutes.

There is also a bush.

This bush is so green and it is so perfectly placed along the neighborhood street that is Monroe in Paducah, KY.

I grew up here.

I haven’t lived here in 10 years.

I have been here for 1 month.

I was in Chicago when I first heard about COVID-19. I was planning a vacation to Thailand. I was looking at flights and mom had been watching the news. She said “maybe don’t go to Thailand…try somewhere else. There is a virus that is making a lot of people sick. You should track it before you buy any flights.” I rolled my eyes. Mom watches Fox news. I roll my eyes at her a lot when she tells me things that are happening in the world. Yet, it seemed like every time I opened my Facebook newsfeed there was some new case popping up. Someone else getting sick. I stopped rolling my eyes and started listening. I planned to go somewhere else.

Fast forward 2 months and Broadway is shut down.

I was in Las Vegas when I found out that Broadway was dark. I was about to go to the theatre to do a matinee. Before I knew it, I was performing in one of only 3 professional performing companies in the United States. Everything else had been closed and we were singing and dancing and helping the remaining people in the theatre forget about what was happening in the world for 90 minutes.

We did our last performance of Once On This Island on March 14th. We found out on the 20th that the tour was cancelled. I have been performing for 21 years. I have done more shows and spent more time onstage than I have done anything else in my life. I have never known the feeling of doing a last performance and not knowing it was my last. I have always been the sentimental type and I have really really drawn out my last performances in the past. I have known and I have given it my all. Done an extra little vocalization that wasn’t approved by the music director (lol), taken pictures, played jokes on people, and truly reveled in the fact that I was closing something with my friends that we created.

It has been therapeutic. There is a whole process.

I did not get that this time.

I sang my last koo koo.

Played my last trashturment.

Sang along to “Some Girls” backstage for the last time.

I did all of these things thinking that I would do them again the next day.

I have found myself thinking back to that Saturday night performance in Las Vegas and trying to relive it. Trying to remember what I did and if I gave it my all. Did I go full out? How was I feeling that day? Did I want to be there or was I tired and didn’t feel like doing the show that day? Was I thankful that I was doing what I love? Was I ready for that to potentially be my last performance and am I proud of it?

All questions to which I have no way of knowing the answers.

I am struggling because I am aware that a lot of people are in a bad way right now. I understand that people are not making money and they are out of work; Some can’t even get through to unemployment so they are getting absolutely no money at all. Some people are dying. And all I want to do is make people forget about what is happening in their lives for 90 minutes. I want to take them to a different world. I want to distract them and make them smile and laugh and cry over something that is not related to how crazy the world is.

But I can’t.

I was in the grocery store the other day and there was an older woman working the cash register. I watched her interact with the lady in front of me and they laughed and talked about what was going on in their lives during the quarantine. When it was my turn the lady behind the counter asked me how I was and if I was having a good day. We talked as she scanned my things and bagged them. I realized that we had been talking nonstop the entire time she rang up my groceries. The lady in line behind me was just looking and smiling. I apologized for it taking so long and she just laughed and said “I’m just happy to hear conversations that aren’t my children fighting. Happy to be out of the house.” We all laughed and I got my stuff and walked out of the store. This is a hard time. And while it seems every day more and more things are closed and canceled let us remember one thing: Kindness and laughter are not closed or canceled.

We have to be kind to each other and view this whole set back as maybe an opportunity to be better. A second chance. A second chance that we never thought we would get. I know that this is not going to be the way it is forever and I also know that a lot of people are going to get sick and a lot of people are going to die and a lot of people are not going to stay inside like they are supposed to. I know that this could get worse. But another thing I know is that if we don’t take this whole shut down as a lesson on how we need to live our lives and what we need to be thankful for then it is a big mistake.

Do you remember where you were when you found out that what you were doing would be the last time you did it for a long time? For the indefinite future? The last restaurant, bar, club, friends you saw, the last hug? Were you living your days like you were ready for it to be your last day?

Originally published at https://citscoaching.com on April 14, 2020.